


take me back to the lilies

by saintlino



Category: ATEEZ (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluffy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Jongho is a baby, M/M, Meant To Be, They're a Family, Trans Hwang Hyunjin, changbin and jongho childhood friends, changbin honestly my best character, changho soulmates, choi jongho ace, little agnst, minsung side couple just because, seo changbin ace, yes choi jongho and seo changbin as a couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintlino/pseuds/saintlino
Summary: That lily garden, at the back of the school, refuge for two souls who have known each other since they came into the world. Seo Changbin and Choi Jongho didn't even know how to live apart. The childhood friends who grew up next to each other and were never different. There was no one in the world who understood Jongho more than Changbin. Deep down, he didn't want anyone else to.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Seo Changbin, Lee Minho/Han Jisung
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	take me back to the lilies

There was a boy who knew almost everything.

He was smart, competent, responsible. There was almost nothing he didn't learn just by looking in minutes or a few hours. He was always praised for his abilities, maturity, and was often given more weight than he could carry, but at the end of the day, there was this strange feeling of accomplishment. It wasn't like he forced himself to do all of those things, or that he didn't want to do it, but sometimes when things were too much, his whole world collapsed. He knew that he knew almost everything, but it didn't seem like that. Whenever he thought about his knowledge, he felt shallow, not worthy of so much recognition. A guilt that seemed irrational reached his stomach and was the worst part of knowing almost everything, because part of his rational knew that all that feeling wasn’t true, but these thoughts were just... knowledge. Just like everything else. He was taught to do so much, but he did not learn to look at himself and forgive his own faults. At times like this, when it seemed like he was nothing but his failure, all of his expertise was in vain. 

There was a boy who knew almost everything, but felt almost nothing.

Jongho was caught in his ideas most of the time, it was almost as if everything about him screamed even though he was just silent, lost in his own thoughts. 

“I have this feeling,” Jongho was already used to that voice waking him up, “that if I listen a little closer I’ll know exactly what you’re thinking.”

The boy looked up, and reflecting on the sunlight, as if he were some demigod or something, Changbin was standing with a puffed chest and a wide smile.

“Hyung, you’re here.” Jongho said.

“I’m always here, Jjong-ah. What’s the matter?” Changbin said, calmly, sitting at one of the chairs nearby.

He was always like that, a constant, Jongho thought once again. And once again, too, Changbin always knew the mornings when he would find his friend sitting at the window near the school's lily garden, thinking so loudly that the curtains wouldn't even move, afraid to hinder him from speaking. 

"You always ask that and I kinda never know how to answer properly." Jongho shrugged, looking out the window again.

Changbin was silent for a moment. Jongho has always been straightforward and bluntly, but there were days when a heavy cloud settled over his head and Changbin could materialize that storm right in his hand, because even at times like this, the boy couldn't quite hide what he was feeling for a long time. 

"Mmn…" The elder agreed. "You don't have to say it, but I'll try to guess anyway."

They looked at each other and Changbin pretended to think, putting his hand on his head as if he were Professor Xavier, from the movie they both like, to try to make Jongho smile at least a little. And as an instant response, seeing the gummy smile he was so used to, Changbin's heart felt peaceful.

After a minute, he said, "The tests are over and you are running away from seeing the grades."

Jongho kind of loved and hated those moments at the same time. Those moments when he didn't need to say a word to let his best friend know what happened and how he feels. Just as the water flows in the rivers and the sun goes down, Changbin knew Jongho's heart, and that always left him unarmed, no matter what the situation. At the end of it all, he was afraid not that his friend knew what was going on, but that at some point he would treat it as a silly thing. He knew it wouldn't happen, so many times they had conversations like this one, but he was always on a constant bridge, on the edge, feeling that he should prepare himself to face something he didn’t know yet. 

He kept looking at the window, but he could feel Changbin crossing his arms, looking curious, waiting for an answer or something.

“Strike, again.” Jongho said, half smiling. “I know what you're going to say, I did well, there's no reason to be afraid to look at the results.”

“Wasn’t gonna say that, but go on.” Changbin expressed.

Jongho finally looked at him, “I just don't want to hear the comments.”

The comments. Whenever the results of the tests were released, Jongho heard the same thing. The teachers loved him, but classmates always whispered among themselves about once again losing the best student ranking to Choi Jongho. It sounded silly, but those comments were the reason Jongho never had great connections at school. He was either adored or envied, but for some reason, instead of having more friends, this type of podium made him lonely most of the time. It seemed tireless to be his friend, because he constantly felt that he needed to apologize for his grades, for being a good student. Being smart was never a source of pride for him.

He did had friends, but none of them were classmates. Within the four walls of a classroom, Jongho felt like a fish out of water.

“I know,” Changbin said, “I didn't come here to ask you to go back there.”

“Then why?” Jongho shook a dozen thoughts in his head.

“I could hear your thoughts down the hall,” Changbin made a suspense, “and you were shouting Changbin-hyung! Hyung! I need to have a laugh!”

The younger laughed, “Oh, so that’s why you’re here. Thank you, my savior.”

The two then laughed together and the sound echoed through the room, the atmosphere that was once heavy was now becoming something lighter. In the end, perhaps, Changbin was really a savior of lost thoughts.

It has always been like that. The two of them. Since they were too young to remember, it seems that there was never a time in Jongho's life that he didn't know Seo Changbin. They were there in kindergarten and then in elementary school as well, always for each other. 

The sun was shining brighter by the moment, and just being in each other's company in that empty room was enough for all anxiety to disappear from Jongho's chest.

“Yeah, I’m also here because my mom called your mom for beer night tomorrow, and I’d like to know if you’re going too.” Changbin said, voice lower than normal.

“Missing the most important night of the year? Of course I will be there, hyung.” The younger was suddenly so excited.

With a reassuring smile, Changbin got up from his chair and went to the window, too. The old school building allowed for architectures in which the windows looked like huge doors, more like molded benches. 

The room was nowhere in hiding, it was not like a secret place. Jongho and Changbin had found the lily garden a long time ago, just when Jongho also entered elementary school, on a day very similar to this one. That day, Jongho was running away too. Not because he didn't want to face a situation, but because he needed to get some rest. In the middle of a break, the boys were having lunch with Changbin's friends, but for some reason Jongho was restless, constantly looking around and fidgeting. It looked like the cafeteria walls were getting smaller and smaller. 

Changbin knew that Jongho would hate to talk there, in the middle of everyone, so, simple as it had to be, he took his friend by the hand, and the two went walking through the corridors, looking for a place that was not crowded. At the rear of the building, an old room, full of paintings and broken chairs, had the doors unlocked. To this day, Jongho still thinks that the room is always empty because no one knows it is unlocked.

And then it became a place of refuge. The lily garden was always there when Jongho needed to disassociate himself from the rest of the world, and Changbin kept that secret with his life. It became their place. 

“Did we ever come here when we’re happy?” Jongho asked after a while.

“Aren't you happy when you're with hyung?,” Changbin said jokingly.

The youngest looked, face still expressionless, “Ya, you know that’s not what i meant, hyung.”

Changbin knew, but he was thinking about his answer. He knew exactly when Jongho would be at that window, lost in his own thoughts, trying to calm himself down or hold the weight of his own world with his hands. These were not happy times.

“We didn’t.” He said, then. “But we can start to, what do you think?” 

Before hearing his answer, Changbin's phone rang loudly. Maybe it was his heightened sensitivism, but a bitter feeling arose in his chest. He took a deep breath.

“Ya, Ya, Ya, speak slowly, I'm listening…” His expression changed instantly, “First breathe, second send me the location, I'll be there in ten.”

The atmosphere wasn't tense, but Changbin seemed more concerned, Jongho knew that wrinkle on his forehead very well. His hyung stood up and took a deep breath, looked at the lilies for a few seconds and then he said,

"Hyunjin was kicked out." His voice broke a little. "She has nowhere to go, it was Jisung on the phone."

At the same time, Jongho also got up, "Where is she? I'm coming with you.”

As soon as they left, Jongho got into the passenger seat of Changbin's car. He didn't know Hyunjin that well, but a feeling of belonging welled up in his chest when he was close to her. Wherever Changbin dragged him, the girl was there raising everyone's joy, like she was the life of the party, regardless how messed up her life was. She even tried to teach Jongho some dance moves, and he kind of liked that. They hadn't known each other long, but since most of his friends didn't study at the same school, he ended up getting close to Changbin's and still clearly remembers when the first time they went out together, and Hyunjin made him laugh so hard that his cheek hurt. Thinking about what was happening to her, his heart couldn't feel anything but a very tight grip.

“I'm not surprised that you're going, but why?” Changbin asked.

Jongho sighed, "You’re all too sentimental to deal with that. Hyunjin is the only one who can be rational but I think that is not the case right now.”

Changbin couldn’t do nothing but to laugh a little. Not because he didn't believe it, it was just the way Jongho doesn't put any locks on his tongue when he thinks of something.

"I think she'll be relieved to see you." He said.

They looked at each other for a moment and Changbin felt safer, as always. And as always, too, Jongho was thoughtful, looking out the window while the radio played a random song. He was the type of person who could be very rational, and it weighed heavily on his shoulders to be that way. Whenever the situation was like that, he tended to see everything logically, looking for a solution. Nobody could point that out, but he felt insensitive most of the time because while everyone was going through the moment, his head must work on a way to deal with it and only afterwards he would let the weight of the feelings be felt. And just like everything else, it wasn't like he was proud of it.

There was a time when he could handle this feeling better, but lately everything looked like a giant monster with seven huge heads and claws. Just like everything around him, nothing stopped waiting for him to cope, he just needed to focus on not being insensitive or too rational, thinking about his next step, how to act or how to speak.

"What are we going to do?" Changbin spoke softly, as if it were a thought that popped out of his mouth unintentionally.

Jongho straightened on the seat, turning his body fully to Changbin. His eyes attentive, not only at the situation, but at his friend's tired and worried expression.

"We..." Jongho started, thinking as he spoke. "Well, we can't rent her a place, but you're rich and your house has, like, five empty rooms."

"I wasn't talking about it, already thought about where she’s going to stay, that's not the problem." Changbin said, “But, like. She lived for her family, all she ever wanted was to be at peace with her parents.”

He took his eyes off the road for just a second, looking at Jongho, and his gaze was kinda lost. 

Jongho smiled a little, “No matter what you say now, you know that this is not the only family she has.”

“I know.” Changbin said, firmly. 

There was no way to contest. Even growing up together, Jongho realized that Changbin had this way of welcoming that made you really feel close to him, and he was always fighting for that bond. Whatever the situation, it was exactly like now, he just went where they needed him and it wasn't even as if he tried to be like that, he just was, simple as it should be. In Changbin's mind, it was uncomplicated too. He just wanted to be someone they could lean on, and it wasn't a burden or something he thought too much, it was just easy for him to be that way, he was pleased with the smallest things and that was enough. There wasn't a time in his life that he remembers being different, he was always surrounded by people and sometimes he felt afraid to face loneliness. From time to time, that fear was like little voices telling him that he could lose someone special. It was this feeling that left him worried and aimless.

It seemed that both of them were talking in their thoughts, or were already so used to each other that they didn't have to go far to know how the other felt. Still silent, Jongho thought that it was impossible that the boy would ever be alone, because there was this constant feeling of security and peace around him. It was so easy to get lost in hours and conversations whatever the environment that Changbin was in, and Jongho was grateful for that, like a feeling that was always with him and that he felt comfortable talking about loudly. Who would ever leave someone like that?

"Permission to be cliche and obvious." Jongho said, looking at the road again.

Changbin laughed, "Still asking me that? Go ahead, sailor."

"It will be okay, she knows that you’ll do everything for her, and your support is what will keep her going." He stopped for a second, the silence still comfortable between them, as the usual.

Changbin didn't need to say anything, but he chose to be as obvious and as cliché. "I'm glad you're here with me."

Jongho could think of millions of words to say at that moment. He wanted to say that it felt good to be with him, but even comfortable enough there was always a part of him that he thought would be too much.

“Let's travel. Just you and me.” Changbin suddenly said. 

Jongho stood for a brief moment wondering if he heard it right.

“What?” He tried not to stutter.

“I wanted to tell you this earlier today, at school. Or at my place, still wasn't sure.” Changbin was wiggling his fingers on the steering wheel.

Traveling together, just them? This had never happened. Why was it happening? Jongho thought.

"So why are you telling me now?" Jongho asked, straightforward. “I mean, it's not a bad thing, but I wasn't expecting it so I'm a little surprised.”  
From a distance, Changbin could see Jisung and Hyunjin standing in front of a cafe, the location where the GPS was pointing too. He knew that he had probably chosen the worst time to talk about it, because even in his own head he hadn’t prepared to speak about the travel.

"I know this isn’t the time, but I’ll explain it later, just think about it.” Changbin parked, looking at Jongho, “If you would... like to." 

Jongho was confused, he didn't know what to think, much less where this random idea came from. It wasn't like he didn't like it, but as always the worry was over his head, creating a thousand thoughts that didn't even make sense. The boy had to murmur to himself that he was overthinking, even if that wasn't much help. But deep down there was this little thought that he would love to travel with his best friend. Would he like it? Would he love to go anywhere with Changbin? That thought alone was enough to make Jongho at ease.

Even with his mind full, he managed to get out of the car when he was able to clearly see Hyunjin standing still, with her eyes a little lost. Suddenly, no thought was more important or greater in Jongho's head. Without saying a word, he took the girl's hand while Changbin and Jisung took her bags. Hyunjin was rambling, but the warm touch of Jongho's soft hands made her feel like she was in the world again. The touch was warm, sensitive and safe. It was a feeling she needed.

"Thank you, JJong." The girl murmured.

Jongho smiled at her, and like his touch, there was a sense of belonging in his smile. "Anytime, anywhere."

The weather that day was as cloudy as it could be and the melancholic feeling materialized inside the car. In the rearview mirror, Changbin could see Jisung holding back tears as a huge wrinkle refused to leave his forehead. It wasn't like this was a strange thing, Jisung was always the most sentimental of them all and never made a point of hiding it, but seeing the boy holding back tears at that moment brought a different weight, a weight he knew he needed to bear as well. The noise of the radio could not drown out the silent cry that Hyunjin let out. She had finally felt it. The anguish, The pain stuck in her throat, the emptiness. It made her feel small, helpless and reprehensible. It made her feel, for the first time, that she was exposed against her will in a show in which she hadn’t been invited. That she didn't want to go. 

As much as the boys wanted to say a million things, they knew they didn't understand. They knew that the pain she was feeling couldn't be taken away at once, and that was the worst part of it all. 

Changbin drove that same car so many times, to so many places, but none of them seemed as far away as his own home now. Halfway through traffic lights and wide avenues, he kept wondering if his house could ever look like Hyunjin's home, if he could ever make her feel comfortable again. 

“Y’all know i’m not dead, right.” Hyunjin said, out of nowhere. Her voice still shaky. “I'm feeling betrayed, sad, but this burial atmosphere doesn't help, like, at all.”

The silence hung for a few more seconds before Jongho took a deep breath, he looked at Changbin again, who was already looking at him. The youngest smiled, reassuring himself that everything was going to be okay and turned his whole body to the back seat, almost in an unsecured way. His eyes were the kindest that Hyunjin had ever met that day, and for a few seconds, she felt loved and understood.

"How do you want to deal with this?" Jongho asked.

Hyunjin seemed to hold her breath, "I don't know, really."

"Do you need to scream? Let us know first.” Jongho suggested, “Do you need to cry? I have an entire playlist to be your soundtrack. Do you want to ignore this whole situation for today? We can watch a movie."

More tears fell from Hyunjin's face and she said nothing, afraid that any word would break her completely.

Jongho continued, "I don't know how to cook, but Bin-hyung can make you hot chocolate, his bed is huge, he has netflix and all the rich stuff he doesn't care.”

In a simple act, Jisung approached only to wipe the tears on Hyunjin’s face, that fell on the backpack she pressed against her chest. The boy cleared his throat, "It's not because you're sad that you're going to choose the movie, tho."

They all laughed. It was messy from the crying, laughing, all together and mixed. Hyunjin felt her shoulders weigh less, although her heart was still tight and afraid of what she was going to face from now on. 

"Hyunjin-ah," Changbin called, his voice calm as always, "Oppa won't say it's going to be okay now, because it doesn't make any immediate difference, but you can be sad and angry and maybe a little hopeless here with us, we’re not going anywhere.”

Although they can only see themselves through the rearview mirror, that certainty came very close to Hyunjin's heart, and in the middle of the hurricane that her life had just become, there was a little light that was worth holding on to.

As always, since they met for the first time, understanding that even in anguish, pain and loneliness they could be together was a good thing, and that was it. This feeling. That certainty.


End file.
